The In-Between

Waiting. Seems to be a common thread on this journey. 

One day your hopes are held so high you feel as though life itself has begun again. Along with the spring birds, the blossoming tree's, the warm breeze welcoming you outside from the long bitter winter....

And the next you are back at square one. Confused. And longing to fall back asleep and wake up to a different reality. 

I've been asked how will I know when its time to give up....forever....

And the answer, although not easy, is there....I will just know. We will know.

The hardest part is when you see it coming....

Its not negative thinking to allow yourself to say "when its finally over, its over".....it actually pretty healthy I think. It prepares me. It HAS prepared me....that reality will come, I know that now, and I just have to be ready for it so that I can say "I have run this race, and not failed, but rather, learned how to let go"

Instead of mourning what could have been, I will cherish what I have done....and the better person I am for it all....the good and the bad....

The hurt and anxiety over taking a break lead me to ask for one more option....and little did I know what that option would entail. I begged for another appointment, another opinion. And although I do believe it was the right thing to do....I was not prepared to hear what was said.

I am currently undergoing a barrage of tests to determine if I have a condition called POF. In easy to understand terms, it is a condition not usually found in women at my age, but something that is found none the less. Most women experience a huge loss of fertility when they are running out of eggs, also known as the first stage of menopause. And this is what my Dr believes is happening to me.....

The miscarriages. The lack of healthy pregnancy after 2.5 years. The ovarian cysts. My hormonal challenges, weight gain, and failure to ovulate regularly....all point a finger at this condition....

POF would not mean the end....but it would mean the beginning of  a new level of trying to conceive. One where intervention at the highest level is our only hope. One where your not just trying to get pregnant, your trying to keep a healthy pregnancy a midst hormones that are raging for your reproductive healthy to shut down......

The statistics for a healthy pregnancy drop dramatically for us if I am diagnosed with this....into the category of less then 5%....into the category of "miracle"....

The results will be known within the next 4-5 weeks.....

So. Here we are. Caught in between. 

Praying for answers.....Praying for the grace to accept them no matter what.